Clutter is a big problem for many people. At a lecture that I gave, I asked for a show of hands regarding how many people had problems with clutter and disorganization. I was surprised to find that at least half the people raised their hands.
One of my clients told me that she was trying to help her sister get back on her feet after her sister had been laid up with an illness and lost her job. Her sister’s house had always been a mess, and had become so filled with clutter that there was no place to walk or sit. My client, Rebecca, offered to buy her sister a car if she would clean up her house. Rebecca even offered to help her sister clean up the house. Rebecca was shocked when her sister refused the offer, even though she desperately needed the car. He sister was unwilling to get rid of the clutter.
Why? Why was the “stuff” so important to her?
Underneath all addictions lies fear - of emptiness, helplessness, loneliness and aloneness. Addictions are a way to feel safe from feeling these difficult and painful feelings, and an addiction to clutter is no exception. It’s all about having a sense of control over feeling safe. Clutter, like all addictions, provides a momentary feeling of comfort. However, as with any addiction, the clutterer needs more and more clutter to maintain the illusion of safety and comfort.
When my mother died and my son was cleaning out her house, he discovered huge amounts of clutter. While my mother’s house always looked neat and clean, the cupboards and drawers were filled with clutter. My son told me he found 6 broken hair dryers in one cabinet. Why would my mother want to keep six broken hair dryers?
My mother grew up during the depression and always had a fear of not having enough. No matter how much she accumulated materially, she never felt that she had enough. The six hair dryers made her feel safe from her fear, even if they didn’t work.
Carrie has trouble throwing things away, especially magazines with “important’ information in them. She subscribes to many magazines but, being the mother of three small children, doesn’t often have the time to read them. So the magazines pile up and pile up. Carrie hopes at some point to have the time to read them, but that time never seems to come. When asked why she won’t throw them out, her answer is, “Because there might be something important in them and I don’t want to miss it.” Carrie fears missing out on some important piece of information – information that may
give her the peace she is seeking. It makes her feel safer and in control to have all the magazines around her with their important information, even if she never gets to read them. When we don’t feel safe on the inner level, then we try to make ourselves feel safe on the outer level, and clutter is one way of doing that. Whether it’s things, such as hair dryers, or information, such as in magazines and newspapers, clutterers do not trust that they will have what they need. In addition, clutterers may be resistant people who see messiness and clutter as a way of not being controlled by someone who wants them to be neat.
HEALING THE ADDICTION TO CLUTTER
Clutter is created and maintained by a wounded, frightened part of oneself, the wounded self – the part that operates from the illusion of having control over people, events, and outcomes. As long as this wounded self is in charge of the decisions, the clutterer will continue to accumulate clutter as a way to provide comfort and the illusion of control over feeling safe, or continue to be messy as a way to resist being controlled.
Healing occurs when the individual does the inner work necessary to develop a strong, loving adult self. A loving adult is the aspect of us that opens to and connects with a spiritual source of wisdom, strength, and love. A loving adult is capable of taking loving action in our own behalf. The loving adult operates from truth rather than from the false beliefs of the wounded self, and knows that the comfort and safety that clutter seems to provide is an illusion – that no matter how much clutter accumulates, the clutterer still feels afraid. The loving Adult knows that safety and integrity do not lie in resistance. Only a loving adult who is tuned in to the guidance provided by a spiritual source and capable of taking loving action in one’s own behalf can create a sense of inner safety.
Practicing the six steps of Inner Bonding that we teach develops this powerful loving adult.
For anyone who is struggling with their herpes, and even for those who are not struggling, here's my prescription for Love.
Love is the universal agent of healing. Everything good and positive and sustainable in this world comes from love. The best prescription for herpes is a daily mega-dose of love.
Do you love yourself? Has having herpes made you love yourself less? If others try to trash you for having herpes- love yourself so hard and so well that the hate and ignorance from the outside world cannot penetrate the golden light of love around you.
Are you loving others? or has herpes made you shut down and go into hiding? People out there need your love. To withhold your love and sex from others because of being ashamed of having herpes not only robs you of the experience of being loved but robs others of the chance of being loved by you. Love always opens up , real love doesn't close down. Open your heart and mind and get back into the world and love.
Do you love your life? Life is such a precious short gift. It's a crying shame to waste any of it feeling anything but happy and grateful
for life. No matter who you are or how you live there's always something to love about your life, everyday.
Do you love your body? Are you giving it the things it needs to manage herpes? Are you eating and drinking for health first or to satisfy cravings and addictions (i.e. coffee and chocolate).
Do you project Loving energy? Are you a shining beacon of love and beauty in this cold dark world. Love will keep you safe in the storm and feed you when you are hungry.
Have you learned how to make peace with the virus? Without peace can love really set down it's roots?
Though there is still some debate about the nature of alcoholism, most professionals now understand it to be a chronic and sometimes fatal disease, likely with a genetic component. In the definition adopted by the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, alcoholism is characterized by “impaired control over dinking…and distortions in thinking, most notably denial.” What this means for alcoholics is that they are frequently unable to make the decision to stop drinking without help from others.
Unfortunately, alcoholics have frequently engaged family member to make excuses and cover up for them. After prolonged and repeated excuse making many family members have a hard time facing up to the fact that they have been part of the problem. The first step to getting an alcoholic help is for family members to stop making excuses. Calling in sick for a husband or wife who has a hangover, cleaning up after their drunken messes, hiding the problem from other family members and dozens of other behaviors are all ways in which well intentioned families just make it worse.
Once, one or more family members have developed an awareness of the problem and ceased any enabling behaviors they may have been engaged in it’s time to intervene. An opportune time to talk to a person about their disease may come shortly after an alcohol related problem has occurred--like a serious family argument or an accident. However, waiting to discuss the problem can also have drastic consequences, so if the person’s behavior is destructive don’t delay. Choose a time when the person is sober and there aren’t other distractions.
One thing people often worry about is what to say. Tell your loved one that you are worried about his or her drinking. Sharing that you’ve read that alcoholism is a disease can help disarm the person and allow them to not feel defensive. This can reduce the likelihood of an argument. Explain to the person what problems you see their drinking causing for them, as well as, how it’s a problem for you.
Tell the person what will you do if they don’t stop. Explain to them that you care for/love him or her too much to watch them destroy themselves without trying to stop them from it. Each person and situation will call for something different. You may state to a son or daughter that you will no longer give them money for rent, you may tell a spouse that you will not go out or talk to him or her when he or she is drunk. Whatever you say to them don’t set consequences that you are unwilling to follow through on, this will only give the message that you aren’t serious and will tolerate their drinking.
Before talking to the person it can be helpful to locate resources. Gather information in advance about treatment options. If a person indicates that he or she is willing to get treatment, it is important that it be immediately available. For treatment resources try www.addictionsresources.com
If you don’t get anywhere talking to the person on your own try professional intervention. There are professionals, known as intervention specialists, who can help facilitate a group meeting of family members, friends and even employers to appropriately confront the alcoholic or addict. For more information on interventions see www.interventionresources.net
A great deal of stress can be incurred while coping with an alcoholic or addict, so get support you don’t have to go through it alone. Al-Anon, provides free support groups for spouses and loved ones of alcoholics, and Al-ateen, provides support for children and teenagers with alcoholic parents or guardians. Participating in these groups may help family members process their emotions and develop coping skills for dealing with the alcoholic/addict. Sometimes more help may be need than these support groups can provide and seeking help from a professional counselor may be necessary.
Stopping any addiction is always a challenge. Changing our thought process is especially challenging. However, there is a process available, but it will work only when you really want to change. Changing from being self-abusive to self-loving has to become more important to you than continuing to try to control yourself through your self-judgments.
1. Pay attention to your feelings. Learn to be aware of when you are feeling angry, anxious, hurt, scared, guilty, shamed, depressed, and so on.
2. Make a conscious decision to learn about what you are telling yourself that is causing your pain, rather than ignoring it, turning to substance or process addictions, or continuing to abuse yourself.
3. Ask yourself, “What am I telling myself that is causing me to feel badly?” Once you are aware of what you are telling yourself, ask yourself, “Am I certain that what I’m telling myself is the truth, or is it just something I’ve made up?” Then ask yourself, “What am I trying to control by telling myself this?”
4. Once you are aware that you are telling yourself a lie that is causing you to feel badly, and why you are telling it to yourself, ask the highest, wisest part of yourself, or ask an inner teacher or a spiritual source of guidance, “What is the truth?” When you sincerely want to know the truth, it will easily come to you.
5. Change your thinking, now telling yourself the truth.
6. Notice how you feel. Lies will always make you feel badly, while the truth brings inner peace. Any time you are not in peace, go through this process to discover what lie you are telling yourself. Eventually, with enough practice, you will be in truth and peace more and more of the time.
The term addictions is most commonly associated with drug and alcohol addiction, however the truth is that millions of people suffer from all kinds of addictions. Some of these addictions are related to some form of chemical dependency such as alcohol, controlled substances and even prescriptions drugs. Other addictions are related to compulsive types of behavior such as gambling, shopping, food disorders and eating, sex and even the Internet.
One of the most important things to recognize about any type of addiction, regardless of whether it is a chemical addition or a behavioral
addiction; is that it is not a matter of choice. Individuals who are addicts do not have the ability to simply decide to stop abusing their ‘drug’ of choice. Addictions affect not only the user, but their family and friends as well.
So, what is an addiction? How does it begin and when does a pattern of behavior become an addiction? Some individuals seem to have the ability to use a substance or engage in a behavior periodically over a period of years without becoming ‘hooked.’ Others; however are not capable of stopped and become addicted.
Addictions affect all social and educational groups. There is no typical addict.
The causes of addiction have been studied for a number of years. In many ways, addiction is caused by the feeling that the substance or behavior brings about in the user. The body, and mind, becomes dependent on that feeling and seeks to maintain it.
There are addiction risk factors that make some people more likely than others to become addicts. Studies indicate that in some cases addictions
can be hereditary. The child of an alcoholic may not grow up to become an alcoholic, however; they become addicted to gambling or some other type of compulsive behavior as an adult. Besides heredity, individuals who grow up in families with abuse, neglect and who are impoverished and
undereducated are more likely to become addicts than those who do not.
For most addicts, it can be extremely difficult to recognize that what they have associated as simply a habit is actually an addiction. While every individual and addiction is different there are some symptoms that are prevalent among most addicts and addictions.
* Unable to meet
responsibilities at home, school or office.
* Continues to use substance or engage in behavior even when it is dangerous.
* The need increases to engage in behavior or use more of the substance to achieve the same effect or feeling.
* Has tried but failed to stop using the substance or end the behavior.
* Continues to engage in the behavior or use the substance even when they know the dangers.
Answering yes to three or more of the above symptoms during a twelve month period may indicate that you or a loved one has an addiction. The first step to treating an addiction is recognizing that it exists.
There is no cure for addiction. Treatment and counseling can help an addict learn to control their behavior, withstand impulses and recognize the presence of a problem, but an addict is never cured. Treating an addiction can take years and requires ongoing support from friends, families and =resource/support groups.
A 12 step program can be particularly beneficial in treating an addiction. One of the most well known 12 step programs is AA, also known as Alcoholics Anonymous; however there are similar programs for all kinds of addictions.
Living with an addiction requires a daily commitment and there is always the possibility of relapsing. An addict who has been ‘sober’ for even twenty years, can succumb to temptation just as easily as they did decades before.
There are a number of treatment programs and centers that can help with the numerous types of addictions that are prevalent today. Many of
them are anonymous. Support groups are also available to assist family and friends who are dealing with effects of an addiction in a loved one.
The information contained in this article is for educational purposes only and is not intended to medically diagnose, treat or cure any disease.
Consult a health care practitioner before beginning any health care program.
Are you stuck in a rut? Do you seem to have the same problems popping up time after time? What will it take to finally get you over your problems and into the abundant life? Here are three biblical principles to help you get out of whatever personal problems you’re going through and on the road to achieving the life of your dreams.
Have you noticed that almost all of our problems stem from relationships? Either someone has hurt us or we lack relationships in our life, especially healthy ones. Sometimes other symptoms develop as a result of our hurt or isolation; such as addictions, depression, bitterness, anger, and loneliness. Then we get sidetracked working to resolve these symptoms instead of realizing there is a deeper underlying cause - that of unhealthy relationships.
It has been discovered that when a person works on living their life according to God’s overall instructions, their problems get resolved as a by-product. So, when we work on having the following three key principles active in our life, then almost all of our problems get resolved.
The first principle is: when you develop a strong, deep relationship with God, then you will know how to build loving relationships with others. It is only through our relationship with God that our deepest desire for unconditional love gets fulfilled. No other person can fulfill this need except God. Since God is love, He has the greatest capacity to provide us the love we so desperately search for.
Since God never leaves us, we can stand firm in our relationship with Him. During our lifetime we will never fully uncover the depth of God’s love toward us. So we have a lifelong pursuit in this love relationship. How close we get to God is up to us!
Once we experience God’s love revealed to us, then we can properly love others. We can quit expecting others to meet our deep need for love because we now receive that from God. Through our understanding of how God treats us (or doesn’t treat us) we learn how to properly interact with others.
The second key principle is: to overcome our problems we must take 100% responsibility for our own life. We must stop blaming
others and making excuses for the way we act. Once we realize that we have a choice on how to act and react to situations, we gain control over the quality of our life. In order to move on in life and let go of our focus on our problems, we must learn how to act and react in a different manner.
Many of our reactions to hurtful people are changed after God shows us His unconditional love. We realize that because God loves us even with all our mistakes, then we can learn to love others in the same way. God asks us to make the effort and He will provide His love through us to others. Now we’re on our way to developing healthy, godly relationships.
Taking control of your life also means you must plan for your future, and that is where the next principle helps you.
The third key principle is: when you find God’s unique purpose for your life, you have the motivation to keep you headed in the right direction and you discover the abundant life. God’s plan usually entails taking whatever you are passionate about and putting it into a life-long project whereby you use it to love and serve others.
God created man to have an intimate relationship with Him, then to love others, and then to carry out the specific purpose he designed us for. While there are general guidelines on how God wants us to live and act, God also gives each of us a very personal goal for us to carry out. Since this vision includes loving and serving others, it is important that we have the first two key principles in place to enable us to adequately carry out God’s plan. With a proper understanding of God, His love and His plan, then we will be able to handle trials that come while serving the Lord.
When you focus on implementing these three key biblical principles instead of dissecting every individual problem, you will get better results. Now that you know three areas to work on, get a pen and paper and begin to determine what these items will require of you in your daily living.
